The word “should”, is a verb that has many uses in the English language. It is most often used when critiquing our own, or someone else’s actions or behaviours: “I should have left earlier”, “You should have been more careful”. We also use the word “should” in self-talk to motivate ourselves, and we use it to urge others to act: “I should spend more time learning a language”, “You should leave now to catch your train”.
Used sparingly, these statements can act as a motivator, “I should start the journey now so that I arrive before dark”, and can spur you on to get started. However, these “should” statements can spiral out of control and make you feel as if you can’t do anything right, and make others feel that you are always dictating to them or criticising them.
“Should” statements are thoughts that define what a person thinks they or others ought to do. It is a set of expectations that might not take particular circumstances into consideration. “Should” statements are also frequently made by people in the belief that things ought to be a certain way. Sometimes the word “should” is used in statements to express often unreasonable or unfulfilled standards that we have imposed on ourselves or others: “You should be more organised”, “I should be more successful”. “Should” statements also often contain words such as “must”, “had better”, “ought to” or “have to” rather than the word “should”, but the sentiment is the same.
“Should” statements can become automatic and something that we are not even conscious of. The consistent and habitual use of “should” statements is a form of cognitive distortion, a faulty pattern of thinking where consistent unhelpful, unrealistic or irrational thoughts, or errors in our thinking, don’t match up with the reality of what is happening.
Cognitive distortions is a term used in psychology to refer to the thoughts that occur when a person’s mind convinces them of something that is untrue. When these inaccurate beliefs influence a person’s thoughts, emotions and actions, they can feel anxious, stressed, angry or depressed about themselves, or about the world around them.
Anyone can experience cognitive distortions. For some of us, distorted thinking is a fleeting glitch; for others, cognitive distortions are a pattern of thinking that interferes with their lives. For many of these people, cognitive distortions occur as automatic thoughts, they are so habitual that the thinker often doesn’t realise that they have the ability to change them, and they grow to believe that’s just the way things are.
“Should” statements don’t necessarily seem like distorted thinking patterns to us when we form them. We often express goals in terms of “should” statements; however, by doing this we set an expectation without clearly defining it, or setting manageable steps to achieving it, which sets us up to fail.
“Should” statements are closely connected to another form of cognitive distortion, “all or nothing” thinking. This form of thinking, also known as black and white thinking or polarised thinking, categorises the world into absolutes, leaving out the possibility of any grey areas or middle ground. This thought process leads people to place everything into boxes of “good” and “bad”, and they do not allow room for balanced perspectives or outcomes. The use of “should” statements sets ridged outcomes of either pass or fail, for example, “I should be more successful”. If I become more successful, I have passed or I am good, but if I don’t become more successful, then I have failed, I am bad. There is no measurement of what success looks like, there is no middle ground, and no accounting for any of the complexities of life.
Another cognitive distortion that “should” statements are connected to is personalisation and blame. With “should” statements a person can lay the blame on themselves or others when something does or doesn’t happen.
“Should” statements may have good intentions behind them; however, they tend to generate a lot of unnecessary turmoil in daily life, when the reality of a person’s own behaviour or the behaviour of others falls short of their expectations. Over time they can have a negative impact on a person’s emotional well-being causing them to feel frustrated, pressured and resentful. Rather than acting as a motivating factor, “should” statements generally cause people to feel apathetic and unmotivated, which can lead to feelings of shame, stress, panic and inadequacy in ourselves, and feelings of hurt, disappointment, resentment and frustration when others have not lived up to our “should” statements.
